I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
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Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty