5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
You Might Also Like
I missed you with all my darts
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords