Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
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I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?