The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
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Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
How animals would run if they were human
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula