I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
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I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.