Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
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ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
Cat.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
is frankincense just very honest incense?
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent