When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
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[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
set yourself free xox
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
How do you milk an almond?
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no