that colleague who touches your screen
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i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
Word!
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.