dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
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I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season