If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
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13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.