H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
You Might Also Like
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
Love this one 😂🧟
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room