me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
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*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.