Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
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“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
Love this guy
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
My son put his dish in the sink so I rushed him to urgent care.
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
50 shades of grey = my Liver
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
If you’re a company that sells ground pepper a good slogan would be “Sneeze the Day.” This idea is completely free.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*