“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
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Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
My neck my back my allergy attack
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.