*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
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If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Interviewer: Your resume lists one of your skills as “planning evil events.” That’s a typo, right? Don’t you mean “live events”?
Me: [slowly rubbing my hands together] If you prefer
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
“this is the biggest toilet I’ve ever seen”
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”