pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
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Lil Brain – Out of Leads
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
They also CAN sing✌️
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!