Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
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First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma