@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
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Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.