At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
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The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
58.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.