Check your privilege
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[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
Huge, if true.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
This is my emotional support knife.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*