Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
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5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack