My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
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Yes, this is exactly right
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!