“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
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Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
Tell me you get it…🤣
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
That was easy.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too