He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
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I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?