Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
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QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
a god among men
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.