you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
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I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed