My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
You Might Also Like
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
Bring back the McRib
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
That’s incredible! 👌
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime