Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
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She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
Ape together strong
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.