Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
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My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
Match dot com, but for socks.
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
do horses think humans are hats
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
Well, my evening plans are ruined
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.