This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
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My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
❤️❤️❤️
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together