How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
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When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.