Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
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Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
You’re the water to my grease fire.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
#damn
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
Childbirth is so beautiful
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD