cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
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The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.