Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
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🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes