I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
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the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”