Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
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Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
The morning after pill, but for tweets
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.