Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
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If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather