This could be us… but you playing
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in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
*limbos under the caution tape
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up