Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
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Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.