My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
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My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…