Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
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FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.