if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
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Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
e
e
e
e
a
n
s
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon