SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
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Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
awesome draft from months ago i just found
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
My physician didn’t find this amusing…
What do you call a veterinarian who’s only good enough to treat one species? A Doctor.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
Well, about your cat… There’s good news and bad news…
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
people who own banana costumes will wear that shit to anything. its labor day and theyre like waittt u know what would be perfect rn
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.