I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
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batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
channeling her this year
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.