Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
You Might Also Like
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.