I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
You Might Also Like
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
It’s a gift
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.