[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
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Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.