Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
You Might Also Like
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Blew my mind.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
I鈥檓 at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I鈥檓 wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 馃槀
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 馃敟
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
I鈥檓 so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
HER: what鈥檚 your sign?
ME: i鈥檓 an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It鈥檚 tomato wine, chef