most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
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Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
Every haunted house movie:
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too