[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
You Might Also Like
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
“and how does that make you feel?”
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
haha same
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.